<.3

Its killing me.


I hate this. I want u back. I know you still love me. I know it by heart. Just the way i love you.
Leaving isnt gonna make me any happier. Can we just drop everything. Like we always say.
Us against the world.

I wanna go back in time.Where we laughed so much.

And now i just cant bring myself to hear you say you dont want this.



Can someone hear me.Can someone make him see what he is putting me through.
Everyone around have always been the reason why we fight. always. i miss us . i miss you so much.


Its gonna be our anni is a month or so.


Tell me smth b?

i miss us. i miss you.

I hate how i wake up crying and feeling like a fucking shit . I hate how i wish i could cry the fuck out and feel better. But fuck no i dont even get that.


How can u even have the fucking heart to hurt me when i all i did was to love u unconditionally.

Are u lying to that u loved me? Cuz the way u treat my like shit makes me feel that this whole fucking this was just another fuckin lie.


Am i that fuckin difficult. All i ask for was loyalty and time. Nothing fuckin else.

WHY THE FUCK DO U EVEN HURT ME . Just fucking tell me u never loved me. Dont lie. Just dont fucking lie to me anymore.


Fuckin crushed me. You really fucking shattered me . I dont even know what to feel anymore. Cuz it fucking hurts me.

Just so fuckin hurt. Isit really true that this pain would end. or isit just a saying to get me going.

I REALLY CANT HOLD MY SELF. im trying like fuck..

god just fucking kill me alr. Then to make me di every fuckin morning and night.

cuz to wake up feeling like thrash is just fuckin hell. Just hell. I just wished i dont have to wake up the next fuckin day. I wonder even if i left the world would u even realise what was i what ive done for u


It kills me . Just killed me totally.

The least i could do is try.

Didi been there through my heart breaks family break. every single shit.
no one texts the one who messed up my life trying her best to make idiots realize . whether it work or not never mattered. But the fact that she did still stands right in my mind till the day i stop breathing.

Least for tht i gotta walk. Whether i not i succeed is a different thing. But i would never do what ive gotten. i know how it feels to put in so much effort in friends and family to make them better and when they dont appreciate it i know how that feels.
oh well now that i know how it feels when i have thought the one i love to be responsible to be career minded to always be very dependent on his own have learn very well for he have showed me he can do it without me. Well part of me is proud that u have  learnt well but i didnt expect it to backfire me.

everyone have manipulated you for their own good. used your kindness make u weak with their tears just so they can get what they want. I pushed u , i cracked u only to make u into someone better. But the way it backfired me was really wonderful. Then again i regret. why did i even teach u to do well when u used it against the one who taught u so .

thats a way of backstabbing. Like the one who thought u how to old the rifle got shot in the name of practicing what he have learned from his master.

everything ties back to me. I. i wanted this. i will be okay. Not that i have a choice but i know life goes on.
LOVE

Thats alright becuz i love the way you lie.

Volcano hit tornado ,

He hits her her screams right at her face, Strangles her and ties her to the house they lived in. He turned mad. With that kinda madness i would stay . If u threw me a blow i would u hit u two times. But i would stay with you with the black and blue marks.

Fight. fight for it.

I cant even say us no more.

Choices wrong? or was it my fault to have changed  you to something too strong that now ive turned weak.

I know imma stand one day.

Right now i need those warm hugs. Your hands when i had them the first time i felt safe. When i wasnt afraid to tell everyone for the first time This is what i want. This is what i chose.

I could have u hurt me yet stay. This time ive nothing left for myself and having u is gonna kill me. I would have stayed if only you wanted this.If only i know you needed me. But i guess ive turned u into smth too strong.

Im glad no one is gonna step over your head.I hope so not.

This too shall pass.
May god spare mercy never to cross path again.

Cuz when i see i remember the fall i had. So much i fought for. So much i did. Everything u wanted.Everything u whispered silently was given.
Guess you took me for granted when i trusted you would never.For u know the battle scars. I sat down days talking with eyes that couldnt look at anyone for i needed the childhood nightmare to be out.Every word i spoke everything i told. But guess u used it against me.

I get it this words and stories with myself, Cuz i know it will be safe here i guess u will never be able to read in between the line. But ill miss you. I miss how your smiles made me strong.


God bless my warrior

Fuckin up my own life. thats exactly what i did

Why is that always i have to get through this. Yeah i get the fucking fact its part of life. Why does every fucking soul always make me feel im worth and say it over and over again " the one who gets you must be lucky" how come they never saw it. why do i gotta be the one who feels like the whole world crash even when this time i didnt even had u as a support yet when u left like its so easy i fall down. Its not that ive been dependent on you. Then why me. 

So all this saying of me being worth was pure rubbish. Cuz yes it fucking sucks to cry to sleep to cry when u wake up. And i pray so fuckin hard that i dont have to wake up to feel this anymore.
every single one always throw me and then in months or years come looking for me.
Why isit always me who gets understood only when im not there. That sinful ive become? Or just fuckin bad luck as fuck.

I dont wanna speak up. I dont wanna be a burden. I dont wanna be hurting my friends and family . Not even this time i wanna make them feel like shit that all tht they say is in vain.For nothing seems to change ma fucking mind. 

So yeah now it comes back to me. What my brother said was probably fucking right. Stubborn as fuck with the rotten attitude.
Honestly i didnt choose that .I wasnt this way when my dad dint fuck up my life. I had to be this way. I had to do smth about it cuz if i didnt i would have lost my mum that very night where she wanted to leave forever. I wasnt this way. And i try not to be even this makes my mum guilty of having me to haven take up the role as a mother of the house at the age of 10. Too bad , no really , just tooo fucking bad i had to be this way. If it was to save a life even when i was treated unfairly at that childhood, i still had to do it.

Now saving that life have changed me .I chose that? nope i fucking didnt. 

YES i didnt speak a word why i was harsh. But haven i showed you why ive turned into a sharp tongue. Haven i said sorry for ive grown up this very way. Yet now ive been used against it .


My dad did that same shit. Seek the outmost sympathy.Used my weakness right against me just to get his things done. Yup my own dad. Cool fucking shit aye? to know and to realise ive been used took me years. I mean i wasnt born as a mind reader. And coming from the man whom was the first man u ever look up to as a superhero turns out to be a motherfuckin villain. 


This shit story is never ending. I could write a novel. but to have someone to take the time to read it,There isnt gonna be anyone.


Just fucking nail me down the coffin cover.


This isnt just over a love.
This was the last break i could take. 

The first

First .

Time Check : 3.23pm
02/06/2015
Ive got no idea whether ill be able to keep up with this or imma stop half way.

Anyways as of today. I got a little better. It feels different in life right now. There is so much i wana do and ive stopped doing in the name of love. 

To think back it feels that ive lost myself in this putting so much into another who eat all my strength. Even with so much to say i do not want this ii haven had the strength to face life knowing the choice i made in life was the worse choice i have ever made.

I have always stayed the way where everyone knows i make choices with tons of thinking. That when i had someone to share my life , everyone thought it will be the right one cuz its gonna take alot for me to even say a yes to be in love. Yet i got crushed time and again and failed to proove my choice was right. Fought a fuckin losing battle.

I no longer been myself.

But i know ill pass this phase. I had didi talkin me out of this.. all of what she said, About how i used to be when i was with S. For he took care of me well, Supported me, Knew me in and out even without me having to say a word. Leavin that aside i miss how i used to be when i wasnt with anyone.

I guess im on the way to myself. I will. 

Having so many blessing as friends. Family i can say.
But having to know the future read of having someone to hit me down through friends in this upcoming year have made me really confused.who could it be. could i speak to anyone. what if it was her what if it was him.
I hate the whole overthinking process. Guess there are something i have to deal with it myself.

Meantime. ive got my aims back on track. Make big money in life. Keep mum happy,Get a car,Get my dream house. Study as much as i could take in this head. Ive always wanted to hold high level certs for god knows what reasons LOL.

alright im done for today. 

Yes me,

Princess